Loving Home

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder and right now, I have to agree...words cannot adequately describe how happy I am to be back in Anchorage with the Family. Getting here was quite an ordeal...the day before I was scheduled to fly out of Bethel, the whole of Alaska got hit with unseasonably warm temperatures. In Bethel and Anchorage, travel was so treacherous that the schools closed and flights got canceled. I was NOT amused at this turn of events...the prospect of staying in Bethel for any longer than an extra five minutes was not part of the plan and I was in no mood to be flexible about it. Fortunately, I only had to be a little flexible...my morning flight was canceled, but I was able to get out of Bethel on the afternoon flight that same day. It was even worth the white-knuckle landing in Anchorage...I had expected it (they warned us about it repeatedly after we had passed the point of no return), but my newly-acquired sense of pregnancy-induced mortality caused me a lot more apprehension than I would have had pre-pregnancy. It's funny how just the prospect of parenthood can change your attitudes about death...I never had any problems taking risks and have even done some pretty stupid, risky things in my younger, more reckless days. But I'm thinking those days are over...I have to try to stick around to make sure the BOY gets off to a good start in his little life.

So yes, I am unreasonably gleeful about being back in Anchorage. I've had more fish in the past two days than I've had in the past two months. I can have my pick of organic anything for about a third of the cost of what it would be in Bethel (assuming its availability there, which is a big assumption). I've been to yuraq twice since I've been back...it's difficult to describe the role yuraq plays in my spirituality. The best I can say is that I was starving for it and now I'm not...even despite my inability to yuraq every song due to my rather huge gut and round ligament soreness. Needless to say, I'm glad to be home and even more glad that it's not for just the weekend. ( :

The BOY has been VERY active since our arrival to Anchorage...it could be the influx of new and different foods that I'm consuming with great enthusiasm. It could be his response to my response to being home and with the Family. It could be his own response to the Family. Or perhaps it's a combination of everything. At any rate, we've been playing the "pat the BOY's butt" game quite a bit lately.

I had my in-processing appointment with the OB docs on Friday. They again severely warned me that I could go into hemorrhage at any point between now and March and that I need to be ready for an emergency c-section. They warned me of the possibility of needing to do a hysterectomy because of the fibroid. They wanted me to get a couple of steroid shots to make sure the BOY's lungs are going to be developed enough to work independently should I need an emergency c-section sooner than later. They indicated that there would be a number of OB docs in the OR during the c-section, basically to check out the ginormous fibroid anchoring down the life-threatening previa. They want me to pre-admit myself to the hospital so that they don't need to worry about paperwork if the shit hits the fan.

I told the OB docs that I know I could go into hemorrhage at any time, but that I feel fine for now and so long as I feel fine, I'm going to stick with the original (however overly-optimistic) plan of studying for and taking the bar exam. What else can I do? I also told them that they will not be removing any of my pieces/parts unless my life depends on it...accordingly, I also pointed out that Indian Health Service has a really shitty track record when it comes to forced sterilization and that I wouldn't be a party to it. I did, however, agree to get the steroid shots (which, now that I think about it, might also have something to do with the BOY's increased activity level of late)...even though I hate butt-shots more than I hate hair clogging up the drain. I told them that it's fine with me if there are curious OB docs wanting to see my "perfect storm" up close and personal in the OR, but that they BETTER leave some room for the Family. And finally, I agreed to pre-admit myself...just because there's no good reason not to. I measure 37 centimeters...apparently, each centimeter corresponds to the size of the BOY. So I guess that's pretty big considering they're telling me that we're only 31 weeks along...but they also said that the fibroid is probably pushing the BOY up higher than he would be otherwise. My next appointment is on the 27th for an ultrasound (!). I am now VERY curious to know exactly how big the BOY is getting. To look at me, you'd think I was carrying a two-year old!

Speaking of ultrasounds, I managed to scan a few of the photos from October and late November for your viewing pleasure. I think this one is hilarious...the nice ultrasound lady and I were just talking about how resistant the BOY is when it comes to getting his little picture taken and that he wouldn't let her get anything more than a shot of the top of his skull. Then suddenly, up pops his middle finger, as if to say, "Yeah, here's the top of my skull and something else for you. Now leave me ALONE." We thought that was pretty hot. ( :

I like this one and I'm not even sure why...you can't really see anything. Maybe it's because it looks like he's actually lying down on his side, looking at the "camera" (for a change). Maybe I'm seeing something I don't realize I'm seeing. I don't know. But I like it.

Here's a profile shot...I love the profile shots because you can see his little button nose. ( :

A closer profile shot:

LITTLE FEET! FEET, FEET FEET!!!! ( :<

Okay, that's enough cuteness for now. There will be more ultrasound pics next week...barring unforeseen circumstances. I'm looking forward to seeing those of you who are in the area. as well as those of you planning a trip to the area! You will be hearing from me separately so that we can make arrangements for lunch or dinner or whatever we decide to do. ( :

No Preterm Labor or Hemorrhages Allowed!

In case there is any ambiguity about this, packing/preparing for a 3.5 month trip sucks. It particularly sucks when you're six months pregnant and high-risk to the extent you can't lift anything heavier than a pencil. But I'm not going to permit myself the luxury of bitching about it...I decided to do this alone. It was my decision. I have only myself to blame. I'm just glad that come Thursday, I will be in Anchorage.

Despite my self-imposed difficulties, I've managed to get quite a bit of work done. I'm pretty much packed...the only things I haven't packed are those I will need between now and Thursday. The FEE is packed (although she is blissfully oblivious to the fact that she will be accompanying me on this trip). Half of my plants are now at work because my apartment is going to be too cold for them while I'm gone. The dishes are done, I made bread for this week's sandwiches, the litterbox is clean, the garbage is taken out, the bathroom is cleaner than it was before (which is all that matters to me at this point). I've copied everything I will need from my desktop to my laptop and even took some time to rip some good studying music. All that remains now is to have the water shut off on Thursday, return the cable modem to GCI, pay off bills, hold my mail, turn down the heat and fridge, unplug all non-essentials, and get me and the FEE to the airport. And pardon me for thinking "out loud". ( :

There is one worrisome thing going on, however. I started spotting yesterday while I was in the midst of working...it was very, very light spotting to the point you could barely tell if it was spotting. This morning, on the other hand, it was fairly obvious. Which is a problem because it is a symptom of a possibly soon-to-rupture placenta. Needless to say, I dropped everything and put myself immediately to bed and stayed there for several hours. While I was there, I had a dream that I gave birth to a huge, three-year old boy at the hospital and my family wasn't there and the nurses couldn't be bothered with me and my birthing issues and I had to do everything myself. That was a little unsetttling. But at least I stopped spotting.

It's clear that things with me are a now a lot more delicate than they were previously. This crap makes me crazy...I don't want to have to drop everything and put myself to bed at the slightest sign that things might not be okay. It's a damned good thing I didn't try to hold out until February 1...I had no idea that I would get so fragile in such a short amount of time. I've been called a lot of things, but "fragile" was never among them. Annoying. ) :<

The BOY, on the other hand, seems completely unaffected by my "delicate condition". He kicks and rolls around and we play our little games. His little butt is now about six inches above my navel and I pat him on the butt and he hip-checks me and I pat him on the butt some more and he hip-checks me some more. I'm curious to know exactly how big he is now...if my appearance counts for anything, he's getting pretty huge. My belly now enters a room about 10 seconds before the rest of me gets there. ( :<

My next doctor appointment is in Anchorage on the 16th...I'm guessing they will be taking ultrasounds because it's technically an "in-processing" appointment. So I will try to get those posted (along with the others that I left in Anchorage) sometime next weekend. I'm also going to break down and get somebody to take some pics of me, even though I'm not photogenic on a good day and am now nowhere close to the stereotypical "glowing" pregnant lady. Apparently, the BOY will want to see me when I was pregnant with him and I'm not going to deprive him that just out of vanity.

At any rate, that's about all I have to say for now. Cross your fingers for us, that we don't get medivacced to Anchorage because I started preterm labor and/or hemorrhaged before Thursday. That would be bad.

Preparations for Anchorage

Happy new year! In the past few weeks, I've discovered that I have mad skillz when it comes to sleeping. I can sleep all night, get up for a few hours, go back to bed, sleep all day, get up for a few hours, and go to bed at night and sleep like a log until it's time to go to work. It's truly amazing...I've never been this good at anything. ( :<

Needless to say, I pretty much slept through xmas and new year's. I got up long enough to do chores, but only to the extent the apartment doesn't self-destruct from the gas excreted by accumulated rotten food, dirty dishes, dirty Dena, and fouled litter. Phoebe thinks this new trend is just great...she loves to sleep too, preferably when and where I'm sleeping.

This whole sleeping trend also serves another purpose. I've been having a lot more round ligament pain as my gut and pelvic bones expand with the weight of the BOY. It's tougher now to work...getting up and down from my desk increases the soreness. Trying to do anything in a hurry increases the soreness. Staying vertical increases the soreness. The only time I'm not sore is when I'm horizontal. So I pretty much go there when I get home from work. And I pretty much stay there until I have to go back to work. I guess this is what you would call "self-imposed bedrest".

The BOY and I went to see the doctor again on December 31 (sorry, no ultrasound this time...the BOY wasn't complaining, although he also hates that doppler thing they use to listen to his heart). I told her that we would be heading for Anchorage on January 15, only nine days after she wanted us there.

It's funny how things just come together for the BOY and me...the aforementioned furnished/stocked condo in Anchorage is only available from January 15 to February 28, the exact time period I needed it. I took that as a sign...be in Anchorage by January 15. So I changed the dates on our plane ticket (and the nice Alaska Airline people didn't charge us a fee for the change OR for my having to bring the FEE along...if they had charged the latter, would that make it a FEE fee? Hee, hee!) and we have a doctor's appointment in Anchorage on January 16. I'm not going to try to work from January 15 to February 1...I'm going to take it easy. It isn't really worth working for two weeks...I would just be getting used to the office structure/operation by the time I quit working. The FEE will stay with me at the condo until the end of February...then I will board her somewhere until we return to Bethel on May 1. She won't like it but she can deal for a couple of months. And I will have all of February to study for the bar exam...I won't have any excuse to not pass this time (barring general stupidity and/or bad luck).

All in all, things have been coming together for us to the extent that I'm just not going to worry about anything...I'm going to (try to) assume that we will get what we need when we need it. And being in Anchorage alone will be therapeutic...family, friends, good food (lots of protein), clean water, medical resources. The first thing I'm going to do when I get to that condo is take a nice, long bath. ( :

Last week, I did research on c-sections and got all freaked out from the horror stories people told..."asthma rates in c-section babies are much higher", "mothers don't bond with c-section babies like they do vaginal-birth babies", "higher risk of complications during recovery", "higher risk that your bladder/kidneys/liver/lungs/intestines will get messed up from the surgery and you'll be hooked up to a machine for the rest of your life", etc., etc. Fortunately, I guess ANMC doctors, most of whom have been there since time immemorial, do thousands of c-sections every year. And I will probably get the most experienced one because apparently, that perfect storm within me is pretty rare and he's going to want to see it for himself out of curiosity. But none of this really matters in the end...having a vaginal birth is absolutely out of the question for me and the BOY. So I'm not going to do any more research on c-sections.

As for the BOY himself, he seems to be doing great. He moves around with great gusto and it's getting to the point where it looks like my gut has a life of its own (which I guess it does...literally). We have a little game...he rubs his leg/butt/back up against my abdomen and I pat it. Then he kicks my hand. Then I pat him some more. He kicks. I pat. That game can go on for as long as five minutes. It trips me out that there is only an inch or so between my hand and him...so close and yet so far (and pardon the cheesy cliche). ( :<

That's pretty much it for now. I really, seriously have to go clean up the kitchen. I've put it off for so long, I'm out of silverware. It's pretty bad. But at least I got to spend all day sleeping. ( :<